Me and my story

I'm back in the old office for a day, and I was checking through my missed emails when I found this from Doyle Wilmouth at Rogue Worlds (04/03/2004):

Hello Kevin,
I recently filled all my fiction slots until April 2005 issue of "Rogue Worlds." So this is not a rejection letter for your work. I do apologize for the inconvenience but I don't like to stock pile manuscripts more than a year in advance. This keeps me from having to tell authors that their work will appear a couple of years down the road. Something I don't like.

Well, it says it's not a rejection, so I'm only going to count it as a half. Means I've got start looking at the markets again.

Me and my freaky dancin' shoes

So, more drinking on a school night last night, yet strangely enough I felt fine this morning. No hangover. Only slightly dehydrated. It's amazing. I can remember a dozen of those 330 bottles of Grolsch and a double vodka and coke, yet I was up early this morning.

I was out with my ex and Demise last night to celebrate the fact that they didn't have to work today. Good night, although my love of 80s music is fading somewhat. I feel slightly guilty about egging on some kid who was trying to pull my ex, even though he didn't seem to have much of a chance and was in fact pissing her off a little, but not too guilty; she had neglected to tell me that Demise had invited some other guy out with the intention of pulling him.

Later . . .

Me and my workplace

Posted on the bulletin board at work:

WE HAVE KIDNAPPED THE DONKEY

To whom it may concern.
we have kidnapped the doneky (sic) and have it in hiding in a secure location.
For the safe return of the donkey, a ransom will have to be provided for a local charity.
Dont (sic) try to find the donkey or track us down as we have the swan vestas and a gallon of 4* at the ready. We have also hidden it from satelite (sic) view.
We await a reply. A ransom note will be posted soon.

Proof, I think, that I'm not the only bored one here.

Later . . .

Me and my ginge

Embarrassment yesterday as I do not recognise someone who not only graduated from the same course as me, but also had the same tutor as me (Professor Shush), and also shared a couple of tutorials with me early in my third year. More embarrassing as she was fairly certain she recognised me the first time we met (and yesterday was our third such meeting). Took me best part of the day to make the connection.

Me and my pint

Went to the pub on the corner for 'a swift one' yesterday after work. Shameful and The Girl I See on the Stairs bottle out early, but when Gilly gets his drinking head on (which happens after one), he becomes determined to keep it on. Five pints and two glasses of wine later, and I struggle to maintain eye contact with the barmaid, who has breasts the size of footballs. It's impossible not to look at them; they're only so big because she's overweight, but they draw the eyes like a car wreck.

I really shouldn't drink so much on a school night.

Me and my answers

Questionnaire the third, received by Bamyes on Wednesday, 28 April 2004:

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? By the sea
2. YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Black shirt I've worn out
3. FAVOURITE FEATURE OF OPPOSITE SEX? Sense of humour
4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT? Train of Thought by Dream Theater
5. WHERE IS YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE? In bed or in the pub
6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE? At work
7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED/SCRATCHED? Massage parlour?
8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? Mind
9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING? Wake between 5 and 6 usually. Get up at 6.30
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? Kettle?
11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? Everything :)
12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano
13. FAVOURITE COLOUR? Black
14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Sports car
15. FAVOURITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe'
16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? Summer
17. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? Cleaning the toilet
18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER WHAT WOULD IT BE? Super speed
19. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? Picture of David Hasslehoff on my right shoulder :)
20. CAN YOU JUGGLE? No
21. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My mother
22. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? Birthday?
23. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? Nothing. Don't have a car (least of all an American one with a 'trunk')
24. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Hamburger, I guess
25. ON YOUR LIFE "TO DO" LIST, WHAT IS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT TASK TO GET DONE? Become a published author

Later . . .

Me and my rock star

'You ain't lived till you got head from a vampire.'

If Queen of the Damned killed the vampire genre for me [entry], John Carpenter's Vampires: Los Muertos just staked it through the heart when it tried to rise again, chopped it's head off and dragged it kicking and screaming into the sunlight.

I should have known better. Jon Bon Helsing stars as James Woods. For those of you who haven't seen it, go and watch the original again and save yourself a couple of quid. I seem to remember that one wasn't too bad. This film is a carbon copy of the first, made with inferior products.

Later . . .

Me and my monster

Watched Monster's Ball for the first time on Friday night. Great film, although it seemed a little slow at first. Good solid performances though, and surprisingly touching.

Incidentally, this thread over at IMDB had me almost crying with laughter (potential spoilers).

Me and my temper

Apparently I'm getting something of a reputation around my old work place as an angry drunk. This is thanks to the story-telling efforts of Shameful and D-2. The fact that Shameful only has one angry drunk story about me, and that D-2 has only been out on the piss with me twice (and neither of them were Red Kev incidents), is apparently unimportant.

It's worrying to know that I'm talked about in such a way by my old work colleagues, but I suppose it's better than not being talked about at all.

Me and my jungle

Went to the Rainforest Cafe in London last night. Waida's choice, but it wasn't all that bad. A family restaurant, but there's nothing wrong with that as long as the kids don't annoy. They didn't and we had a rather pleasant meal.

The waitress who served us -- Eve, if I read her writing right -- was rare. Absolutely lovely smile and almost reason enough to go back there again. She undercharged us for our meal, and I felt kinda bad about that when I realised. Maybe I could go back and settle up :)

Me and my coffee

So I was in London Wednesday for a training course. Not too bad considering it was on ICE Conditions of Contract. Met a girl who is a friend of Shameful, and had a decent chat with her at lunchtime, but other than that not much to report.

Later . . .

Me and my motor

Daihatsu Charade.

We got our new lease car this morning, and it's a sorry piece of machinery. It's rattly, uncomfortable at high speeds, and when I put the sun-visor down my height meant that I was unable to see anything further than about five yards ahead. It's an ugly little thing as well. I'm going to hold off judgement on what it's like to drive until I've driven it, but I'll say it doesn't like tall passengers much.

I laughed when I saw it. 'I wouldn't laugh,' Replacement Driver said. 'It's your car as well, as soon as you pass your test.'

Me and my role-model

Speaking of driving tests, the Girl I See on the Stairs failed her test for the seventh time yesterday. I had to try very hard not to laugh when I heard this news. I don't think it would be very appropriate me taking the p!ss until I have passed it myself.

Still, it is kind of funny, and it does give me a little more room for failure.

Later . . .

Me and my pie

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing out here.

I have nothing to do again. I asked my boss what he wanted me to do when I finished my last job, and after thinking about it for nearly two minutes he replied, 'I don't know'. So now he's got me reading more background reports on a project that 'we might get the go ahead for if the one we're expecting to have to do falls through.'

I'd write, but it's hard to get away with when your boss is sitting two feet away. So background report it is.

Later . . .

Me and my vampire

I had free reign of the satellite last night, so I watched Queen of the Damned.

Well that's the vampire genre effectively ruined.

I should have known bad things were on the way when Lestat wakes from his hundred year slumber and decides to form, of all things, a Korn tribute band.

Later . . .

Me and my zombie

Dawn of the Dead (potential spoilers)

The film we were going to see had sold out, so we chose this one instead. Wish we'd gone for Shaun of the Dead now, at least that looks intentionally funny. Avoid like a zombie plague.

Good bits: 'shoot burt reynolds', the sarcastic Steve (who looked as bored as I felt), the third act has plenty of momentum, and isn't actually all that bad.

Bad bits: unsympathetic characters, female lead is practically wallpaper and her romanctic element is pretty poor, gore is funny rather than scary, zombie baby, second act is mind-numbingly boring, all of the shocks can be predicted at least a minute before they happen (standing near a glass door? Gee, I wonder if a zombie's going to jump at the glass from the otherside), zombie baby . . .

If you do choose not to heed my advice, then at least heed this. As soon as the closing credits start -- as soon -- get up and flee the cinema. They've cut the credits with this weird and totally pointless epilogue, that adds nothing to the story, and underlines everything bad about the film you've just watched. It's like the makers wanted to be sure they'd catch all the people who might have, at that point, been thinking to themselves 'That wasn't that bad'. 'Just wait a second,' they say, 'watch this, see what happens to them next. Now you tell me you haven't wasted the last two hours of your life.'

Later . . .

Me and my quiz

Questionnaire the second. Received from Student With No Razor on Saturday, 17 April 2004.
1. WHAT TIME IS IT? 14.33pm
2. NAME AS IT APPEARS ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Kevin Paul Jones
3. NICKNAMES? Jonesy (my friends never were all that inventive)
4. NUMBER OF CANDLES THAT APPEARED ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY CAKE? Would have been 24, but I can't remember the last time I actually had a birthday cake.
5. DATE THAT YOU REGULARLY BLOW THEM OUT? 7th October
6. PETS? None
7. EYE COLOUR? [answered before]
8. HAIR COLOUR? [answered before]
9. PIERCINGS? None
10. SCHOOL? KS&CC
11. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB? As much as I enjoy being bored out of my brains
12. FAVOURITE COLOUR? Black
13. HOMETOWN? Salcs
14. CURRENT RESIDENCE? Swin
15. FAVOURITE FOOD? [answered before]
16 deleted?
17. DO YOU SCRUNCH OR ROLL YOUR TOILET PAPER? What?
18. HAVE YOU LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? No
19. BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT? No
20. CROUTONS OR BACON BITS? Bacon bits
21. FAVOURITE SNACK? Chocolate
22. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Too many to list, recently The Lord of the Rings
23. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Saturday
24. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT? The Jaipur Palace in Plymfff :)
25 deleted?
26. FAVOURITE FLOWER? [answered before]
27. FAVOURITE DRINK? [answered before]
28. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Rugby Union
29. PREFERRED TYPE OF ICE-CREAM? That white chocolate one I used to be able to get back in Salcs
30. FAVOURITE SESAME STREET CHARACTER? Cookie Monster (that was Sesame Street, right?)
31. DISNEY OR WARNER BROTHERS? Warner Brothers, I guess
32. FAVOURITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? Pizza Hut
33. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU GOT EMAIL FROM BEFORE THIS? Before this I believe it was from one of the Talecrafters
34 deleted?
35. WHICH SINGLE STORE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD? Waterstones (altho' preferably a better one than the one here in Swin)
36. WHAT DO YOU DO MOST OFTEN WHEN YOU'RE BORED? Read
37. WHO IS YOUR FRIEND WHO LIVES FARTHEST AWAY? Couple of guys from work who have emigrated/returned to Australia
38. MOST ANNOYING THING PEOPLE ASK ME? Sorry, what was your name again?
39. BEDTIME? 11ish
40. WHO WILL RESPOND THE QUICKEST? Pass, not sending this out
41. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Pass, not sending this out
42. FAVOURITE ALL TIME TV SHOW? Frasier
43. WHO'S THE LAST PERSON YOU WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH? Girl from work
44. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATRE? Dawn of the Dead, Last night. Waste of fucking time
45. ANY SCARS? Only emotional
46. FAVOURITE BOOK? Too many to mention, recently George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire
47. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBY AND WHERE DO YOU DO IT? I don't 'hobby'
48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE YOU GO TO WHEN YOU NEED TO THINK OF SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT? Yes, thanks
49 deleted?
50. TIME WHEN YOU FINISHED? 15.05pm

Bored as I am? Play :)

Later . . .

Next time we'll miss it

For the first time in many years I stayed away from the rugby sevens up at the 'Club. I toyed with the idea of going up, business as usual, but then decided that I didn't much want to stand around on my own for six hours. I don't really know anyone up there and none of my friends are around this year.

Other than that Easter weekend has been pretty good. Dancing with sexy Easter-bunny girls on Thursday. Visiting grandparents on Friday. Rugby and Fusioneering on Saturday. Relaxing on Sunday. Visiting a local art gallery with my dad on Monday. I even managed to get some writing done.

Next time we'll be cool

Demise and I are speaking again. We went out on Thursday night and had a conversation that went much along the lines of:

Demise: Are we cool?
Kevin: I'm cool. Are you cool?
D: I am.
K: So we're cool then?
D: Yes.

Articulate pair, aren't we?

Okay, so the matter of me fancying her is still out there somewhere, but at least we're still friends.

Later . . .

Next time we'll not scare them off

Saturday night wasn't all bad though. Lots of work people out in the evening, and I had quite a laugh chatting with those guys. Unusually (for me at least) some woman came over to me and tried it on whilst I was standing at the bar. Women don't approach me as a rule, so I'm choosing to ignore the fact that I later managed to scare this one off. I'm also assuring myself that she was fit, and denying that I had my beer goggles on.

(In fact, I had my beer contact lenses in, which is probably why she approached me in the first place).

Next time we'll know better

Friday: Demise works out that I fancy her, after everyone else on the planet has already worked it out.
Saturday: We're both out on a friend's birthday and she ignores me all night.
Monday: I am rather short with her in telling her that I didn't much like being ignored, so she stops speaking to me again.

So, today, I apologise to her. It hasn't done me any good, as she's still not speaking to me.

I don't know why I bother.

Next time we'll be more crowded

I return to the monastry to find that some bastard has removed Anna from the noticeboard. Despair kicks in.

Because of my failing my test, I've gone back to catching lifts into work where available. Luckily, my driver (who is still sunning himself out in Iraq somewhere) has been replaced by another engineer from Swin, so I'll be able to get a lift into work most days.

Later . . .

Next time we'll pass

2 serious faults, 16 minor faults [entry].

I'd failed before I'd even left the test centre. Fuck.

I'm going to get so drunk this afternoon.

Next time we'll find first gear

'If you drive like you have been driving this last couple of days, you'll pass.'

At the beginning of the week [entry], I had experience, but was sadly lacking in the being-able-to-drive category. Seven years I was away from the wheel. Twenty-two and a half hours later, and I'm apparently up to test standard. I'm confident about tomorrow.

Oh, and I absolutely nailed my emergency stop today. You gotta love ABS.

Wish me luck :)

Next time we'll think of something funny

Check out the Caption Competition over at smith.sh

It's in the form of a forum because Tris is lazy.